I’ve decided to come back to blogging for a bit. Who knows how long this will last, but I have been wanting to write, so write, I will. A lot of time has passed since I last spoke on this little sliver of the interweb that I inhabit. With a lot of time, comes a lot of change. Here’s what has happened in the past 10 months…
In March, I ended my almost three-year relationship with my boyfriend. Not to get too personal, but a lot had changed between us. We were growing as individuals and, in turn, growing apart. March was one of the toughest months for me – emotionally and financially. I moved out of the house we shared and found a two-bedroom apartment right down the street from the studio I work at. For the first few weeks, I felt alone. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to support myself on my own. However, I also felt freedom and excitement for a new life. I formed new friendships and explored the city a bit more. I went on lots of walks and found freedom in going to new places on my own. I had lots of single-lady nights where I would grab dinner to go, rent a Redbox movie, and sip wine in my bed at 8 pm on a Friday night. Sometimes I felt sad that I didn’t have my familiar, my other half, but other times I knew it was just what I needed. It was the perfect time for me to find my individuality again and take steps toward what I wanted, without thinking of someone else. Sounds a bit selfish, but time alone was necessary for me to figure out myself. When I was in my relationship, I feel like I sort of put my own needs on hold so that I could hold the relationship together. However, the more I held on and tried to stitch it up, the more exhausted and empty I felt. Sometimes you gain more when you let go.
Eventually, I found a roommate (on craigslist, of all places) and I picked up more clients at the pt studio. I was feeling more stable, financially. Then, I started dating again. I found some failure in dating; I found some success. This little corner of my life is still a work in progress, but one that I am comfortable with. I’ve enjoyed meeting new people and figuring out what I want and don’t want out of a relationship, what I like and don’t like in a potential partner. It feels really good to take my time in finding someone who can be my life buddy. It’s also shown me that I am my best self when I put myself (not my partner) as my #1 priority. I hold onto my individuality, my healthy habits and routine, and the things that make me unique and attractive to another individual. During this season of dating I’ve heard more than once from a guy that what they liked about me was how different I was – that I was unique, had a warm heart, and felt real. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but hearing this from them wasn’t anything new (I know my personality and the values I live up to)…it just made me realize that this a whole lot of what they see and care about. Not just my outward appearance, my taste in music, or my career success. Hearing that from multiple people also helped me realize that you can’t just fall for someone because they see the good in you. You’re always going to have the good in you. Do they have the good in themselves? Are they someone you would say the same thing to? What about them attracts you? Maybe this is a topic for another post. Here’s the lesson in all of this: YOU DO YOU. Don’t try to impress, persuade, or change a person to get their attention, affection, or attachment. Being yourself is the most attractive quality that you can have. But, also don’t fall for compliments or attraction from others so easily. They can like those great things about you, but you have to ask yourself, do you feel the same way about them?
In September I took a little solo, self-love sabbatical trip to Portland, OR. I was only there for three days, but it was such a great experience. Not only was I completely on my own, I got to slow down and just soak in the city and culture. This trip was much needed. I was craving independence and a change of scenery and pace. Portland was just that. The people there are so friendly. Bikes rule the road. You can find kombucha on tap and a coffee shop on every corner. Green and lush everywhere! A foodie’s paradise. Portland is my spirit city and the trip confirmed that I will most likely be living there in the near future.
Over the summer, I started thinking about going back to school to finish my degree in Dietetics. After some thought and positive influence from a few close friends, I decided to pursue a degree in Nursing. I start my last prerequisite course, Microbiology, in January, and if all goes as planned, I will begin an accelerated, 21-month nursing program in August of 2016 at IUPUI. I cannot wait to begin to this new life avenue. Since October, I’ve been working in a hospital as a Patient Transporter so that I can see what it will be like working as a nurse and in a medical facility. I get to witness so much every day and it only makes me more excited and sure that nursing is what I want to do. Being a personal trainer is definitely a fun, flexible, and rewarding job, but I want to do more to help others. As a nurse, I will be helping patients who are helpless, severely sick, young, old, alone, hurting, and so on. Not to mention, there are so many different paths I can take with nursing. I have thought about a future in traveling nursing or even the Peace Corps. The first step, though, is to get started on the nursing program! One foot first.
And that’s how I am taking the remainder of this year – with one foot first. It’s a constant process, but I am getting better at letting go of a master plan and perfection. I will be writing more on this soon, but it feels so great to just slow down and see what comes my way as I take small steps forward. No time to look back and it takes too much energy to look too far ahead. I found this the other day, and it’s my current life motto: “When you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you are pissing on the present.”