I used to be an obsessive exerciser. I wanted the toughest, most calorie-bang-for-your-buck workouts that would leave me sore for days. I felt that if I wasn’t sore or sweating, I wasn’t getting a workout that was “good enough.” I also felt the incessant need to exercise intensely at least six times per week. With my education in physiology and exercise, I knew that rest days were important and vital for recovery, but I couldn’t bear slowing down. I only took rest days when I “had” to – basically when my body was so exhausted that all I wanted to do was sleep or I was injured due to overuse and zero recovery. And those “rest” days were extremely hard for me to endure because I felt so much guilt for not exercising. I had a misconstrued notion that my worth was tied to how many workouts I did in a given week, and if I didn’t do what I expected of myself, I feared losing strength, gaining weight, or letting go of exercise entirely. When, ironically, pushing myself to extremes and not giving my body a break was more likely to dissuade me from exercising. This perpetual cycle continued from late high school through college.
Back in 2012, while at Purdue, I found CrossFit. I was instantly hooked. The workouts were intense and challenged my body in ways I had never experienced. I liked the shorter duration of the workouts and thought that was better for my body than pushing hard for an hour or more, like I had done in the past. However, CrossFit ended up becoming much like any other workout I did before, in that I took it to extremes. I wanted to Rx the workouts, so whenever I physically could, I did. I also went multiple times a week, denying my body of rest days. I told myself (and others) that I went so often to get the most out of my unlimited membership, but in reality, I was afraid of taking a day off. Even though the workouts were shorter in duration, they were typically higher intensity. So, that coupled with the fact that I didn’t listen to my body to slow down or give it a break, didn’t improve my unhealthy relationship with exercise.
I realize that CrossFit gets a bad rap (from both the fitness and nutrition fields). Yes, I think CrossFit can be dangerous, especially if you are not experienced in certain movements or you don’t have a good coach or program that breaks down the movements or provides regressions/substitutions. But, I also think any form of exercise can be dangerous, if taken to extremes or not executed properly. Yes, CrossFit is a high intensity form of exercise, and probably not a good fit for everyone. Ultimately, a person has to find an exercise modality that is right for their body, mental health, and fitness level. At that point in my life and with the headspace I was in, I shouldn’t have been participating in CrossFit.
Fast-forward to six years later, and I decided to participate in the CrossFit 2018 Open. This time, however, I knew I was in a safe place mentally. I went to therapy and did a lot of work in those six years to recover from an eating disorder and exercise addiction. I no longer beat myself up for exercising less than x amount of times per week and I was listening to my body better than ever before. I was taking more rest days than ever before and my fitness routine was not strict. I I was also craving a fun challenge and my own workouts were getting stale, so I decided to participate in the Open, but on my own terms:
I didn’t register for the Open. I knew myself well enough that signing up for the Open and putting my name on a scoreboard was only going to bring back unhealthy obsession. I learned in my recovery that competition only breeds extremes, obsession, disappointment and feelings of not-enoughness for me.
I did the workouts on my own. Completing the open workouts was sort of a test of my recovery, and I knew that if I did them with other people, I might be tempted to push too hard. At times I did them in a gym with other people working out around me, and I am happy to report that I didn’t have an urge to push to extremes. In fact, I was fine with moving purposefully and slowly through the workouts. I actually felt GOOD after a workout, and it didn’t make me exhausted the rest of the day like it had in the past.
I made substitutions or altered workouts to fit my needs and abilities. Of the five workouts, I modified five. Yep, I did them all modified and it didn’t hurt my ego one bit. This was HUGE. Old me would not have been okay with modifying a workout.
I stopped when the clock ran out. Most the workouts had a time cap. In the past, if I was doing a workout on my own and I didn’t complete the round and the time ran out, I would keep going to finish that round. This time, when the clock timed out, I stopped, even if I only had a few reps left.
The way I approached the Open this year made me realize just how far I have come in recovery. I used to think I would never be able to do CrossFit again because of the havoc I wrecked on my body doing it in years past. However, letting go of an expectation and listening to my body has allowed me to continue to participate in an activity that I think can be a wonderful source of community, fitness and fun. It’s all about knowing your own limits. I don’t think it’s fair to say that a certain type of movement is wrong or bad. I think it is the participant’s role to decide what they want and need to get out of the workout. However, this takes knowing yourself well – and being HONEST with yourself.
For years, I covered up my addiction with the facade that exercising so much and at such a high intensity was a part of my job and that I loved it that much. However, I wasn’t being honest because deep down I was hurting and struggling with my self-worth. What I had to believe was that no matter what type of movement I did, I was a worthy human being. That the exercise I did or the body that I had did not define who I was as a person. To finally hold the freedom to move my body in a manner that serves me well, without sticking to a strict self-imposed expectation or routine, feels so damn good.
Kate Emmenegger 